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Tepid as a baby's bathwater slash *face palms* - cable x deadpool [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Cable x Deadpool

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Tepid as a baby's bathwater slash *face palms* [Jun. 28th, 2009|05:36 pm]
Cable x Deadpool


[Tags|, , , , ]
[mood |bouncybouncy]

Title: Irene Wishes that She Has Wade’s Problem
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
Pairing: implied Nate/Wade, Stryfe/Wade, Nate/Wade/Stryfe
Warnings: bad grammar, AUness, 2AM brain, inability to write porn
Summary: Set in hohaiyee's story-verse where Stryfe is not so a much evil evil as badboy evil. Deadpool recounts his boy trouble to the largely unsympathetic ears of Irene Merryweather.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Deadpool and co. except for some comic books and action figures.

Irene Wishes that She Has Wade’s Problem

Irene saw Wade skulking around the public park on Providence, poking occasionally out of the hedges.

“Psst…Irene,” he hissed at her.


“Shh…shhh. Is Nate around?” He looked around himself suspiciously.

“No, he has a meeting the UN Secretary General this afternoon.”

“Good. Good.” This is getting odder and odder, Irene thought.

“Have you seen Stryfe around by any chance?”

“Not really. I think he and Nate had another fight this morning so Nate has banished him from Providence for the time being.”

“Really!?!? Great!” Wade finally jumped out of the shadow, mumbling ‘great, great’ to himself as he stretched and popped his joint obscenely.

Irene rolled her eyes in irritation when she realized that Wade actually is more flexible than her. Then she noticed the state of his uniform.

“Why is your uniform torn in places? And so rumpled.” Also now that he’s standing closer to her, Irene realized too late that Wade reeked as well.

She winkled her nose but either he didn’t notice or he didn’t care. Instead, Wade pulled her into one of the park benches, grasped her hand to his bosom and made her promise to cross her heart and hope to die riding on a pink unicorn with rainbow mane if she tells anyone what he is about to tell her. Irene can only nod dumbly.

“Nate and Stryfe are too much! At first it was great, I thought to myself they’re both hot and they both want you. The world can only get better for Wade Wilson. I mean, what’s hotter than sleeping with the ‘Messiah-of-Our-Generation’ (trademark CNN) and his brother”—

—they’re clones (Irene interrupted)—

—“and his twin (Wade completely ignored her), especially when you have a healing factor that just won’t quit and an ass tight enough to bounce quarters off of. But it’s too much! It’s constantly ‘bend over that table, Wade, I’ll teach you who you should go to first’ or ‘I’m going to take you so hard you’ll forget about him’ or ‘Take your clothes off now Wade, I smell him on you.’ It’s like two dogs fighting over a bone. I’m beginning to fear for my tender loins, if you know what I mean.”

Irene can only nod dumbly.

“Oh, I knew you’d understand, Irene Merryweather!”

Inside Irene seethed. It’s bad enough that Nate is completely ignorant of her feelings for him but when Stryfe suddenly showed up, Irene had thought that she might have another shot. But apparently, obliviousness and a terminal case of denseness is genetic, who knew.

Outside, she offered, “Maybe you should let them know that you don’t appreciate being fought over like a favored toy. You should tell them that they need to fight it out once and for all who gets....” She couldn’t bring herself to say ‘you’ to Wade.

“That’s it!” Wade suddenly jumped up and gave Irene a hug, which she did not want at all, before disappearing into the trees. “I’m so glad that we had this girl talk. You’re the best, Irene!”


“Psst…Irene,” Irene walked hurriedly, hoping to ignore the familiar voice hissing her name from the shades. “Irene, Irene, Irene, psst, psst.”

“What, Wade,” she finally turned to look at him, the slight tinge of desperation in his voice piqued her curiosity.

He appeared about the same as last time. “It didn’t work, Irene,” he said to her sadly.

“What didn’t—

Irene’s question was interrupted by the sudden arrival of the ‘Messiah-of-Our-Generation’ (trademark CNN) and his clone, followed by the immediate departure of one red-and-black clad mercenary.

“Hello, Irene.” Nate greeted her calmly. Stryfe barely nodded in her direction before taking off after Wade.

“Is there anything on my calendar for this afternoon?” he asked, not at all bothered by the destruction Stryfe and Wade are leaving behind them. No citizen of Providence would get hurt, Nate would have made sure of that; but Stryfe and Wade sure are causing some interesting and unplanned landscape transformations.

“Let me check.” Irene flipped paged through her PDA looking for Nate’s appointment table. It took her a few minutes to realize that the fighting noise have tied down, Deadpool’s annoying verbal taunts and your mama jokes included.

She looked up from her PDA and saw Stryfe walking calmly back toward his clone, Wade struggling ineffectively under the grasp of one armored arm, his mouth muffled by Stryfe’s hand.

Wade glared at Nate then turned a seemingly pleading gaze toward Irene.

“Uh, nothing. I didn’t see anything in your calendar for this afternoon.” She finally answered Nate, unsure of what’s going on.

“Excellent. Thank you Irene. You may enjoy the rest of your day off.”

Nate and his clone, his struggling bundle included, turned around in unison and levitated up into the air. Whatever Stryfe whispered to Wade calmed his struggling.

“Wait! Nate, what’s going on?” Irene asked, incredulous at the scene before her.

Nate turned and looked down at her; a familiar smirk graced his face as he nods slightly toward his clone, “we learned to share instead.”


[User Picture]From: storm_dragoness
2009-06-28 10:09 pm (UTC)
Oh so that what happened.
Poor Wade, following Irene's advice made things better worse for him. xD
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[User Picture]From: asreal01
2009-06-29 02:43 am (UTC)
Haha. Poor Wade, the brother clones really do seem to have it out for him. Also, poor always under-appreciated Irene, she can't seem to win :D
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[User Picture]From: hohaiyee
2009-06-29 12:41 am (UTC)
She looked up from her PDA and saw Stryfe walking calmly back toward his clone, Wade struggling ineffectively under the grasp of one armored arm, his mouth muffled by Stryfe’s hand.

Poor widdle Wade, OWNED!

Whatever Stryfe whispered to Wade calmed his struggling.

1. Something involving WD-40

or, since Stryfe is EBIL;

2. "...or when we are done with you, we'll leave you with a vibrator to keep you company" at which point Wade goes weak just picturing it

...cause really, if Wade want to run, why the hell would be in Providence?

I picture Stryfe as the one telling Wade to bend over the table, because Nate is much more insidious, Nate is a soul-sucking will-power stealing kisser.
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[User Picture]From: asreal01
2009-06-29 02:52 am (UTC)
One Nate or Stryfe is dangerous enough. Two of them banded together. Oh boy, Wade. *rub hands in glee*

"...or when we are done with you, we'll leave you with a vibrator to keep you company" at which point Wade goes weak just picturing it

*evil cackles* For some strange reason, the first thing that came to mind when I read this is the picture of Wade hobbling around with shackled hands and feet (fighting Taskmaster) but this time with a vibrator joining the party. Heehee, poor, bound, sexually frustrated retarded puppy. DAMN IT BRAIN, WRITE PORN ALREADY!

Yes, Nate would totally be the one who goes for the toe-curling kisses first, then BAM, Wade's being rammed by a mack-truck. Stryfe's would be more straightforward.
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[User Picture]From: spurnine
2009-06-29 01:59 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: asreal01
2009-06-29 02:52 am (UTC)
Thanks I'm glad it makes sense :D 2AM brain is a highly unreliable judge of coherency.
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[User Picture]From: sparklybee
2009-06-29 03:23 am (UTC)
That sound you might have heard? That was me cackling out loud at this line: "I’m beginning to fear for my tender loins, if you know what I mean."

Oh yes Wade, I know what you mean. ;D

Poor Irene though, on several levels. ;)
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[User Picture]From: asreal01
2009-06-29 03:42 am (UTC)
Yay, I'm glad you cackled :D

Alas, Irene just can't seem to win. That is, until she discovers how to hack into the security camera system on Providence ^.^ If you can't beat them, secretly watch them.
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[User Picture]From: storm_dragoness
2009-06-29 09:32 am (UTC)
Are you suggesting she'll join our ranks? xD
Then draw the three in somewhat suggestive poses?
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[User Picture]From: inlaterdays
2009-06-29 09:10 pm (UTC)
Irene Merryweather writes slash, y/y?
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[User Picture]From: storm_dragoness
2009-06-30 05:56 am (UTC)
Yes she does. xD
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[User Picture]From: asreal01
2009-06-29 10:56 pm (UTC)
It's canon that Irene's an amazing doodler. :)
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[User Picture]From: storm_dragoness
2009-06-30 05:44 am (UTC)
Exactly why she would draw them in suggestive poses. xD
Then her co-workers will stare at her because of that silly fangirl grin on her face as she doodles them.
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[User Picture]From: inlaterdays
2009-06-29 09:12 pm (UTC)
Aaaaaah, I love this! Poor Wade. I'm not envious of you at all.

I love "an ass tight enough to bounce quarters off of" (IT SO IS) and the image of two dogs fighting over a bone.

Sibling (cloneling?) rivalry!
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[User Picture]From: asreal01
2009-06-29 11:06 pm (UTC)
Remember, Nate's the immature one ;) I'm sure he's genetic duplicate is just as bad.

Poor lucky Wade indeed.
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From: hyperactivator
2009-07-03 03:32 pm (UTC)
Cool! Isn't the porn filter in your brain usefull?
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[User Picture]From: asreal01
2009-07-04 02:42 am (UTC)
But...but....I want to be able to write porn. ><*
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From: hyperactivator
2009-07-04 05:04 pm (UTC)
No no no. The porn filter is what takes in the innocent nonporny content and makes it porny. Sort of like beer goggles.
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[User Picture]From: prue84
2009-11-26 05:59 am (UTC)
Ahah, poor Wade. Totally liked this! I'm starting loving this threesome! **
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