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Cable x Deadpool

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Valentine's Day Story [Feb. 10th, 2007|05:53 pm]
Cable x Deadpool



I was writing an X-Men one and I thought of this. It's perhaps a little too fluffy for Cable/Deadpool, but it does contain graphic sex to compensate. So it's NC-17 rating I suppose.

Valentine’s Day

No doubt about it, Hallmark just didn’t make cards like they used to. Even though the stores were crammed to bursting with fluffy bunnies and fat teddy bears and red balloons, the cold and soulless monsters who made cash from the sentimentality of gullible people were missing a trick here. Because Wade had been standing in the card shop for an hour – maybe half an hour, fifteen minutes at least – and he had yet to find a card that said ‘I disagree with most of the things you stand for but I would very much like to massage your cybernetic arm with WD-40’. No reason why that particular sentiment should be absent, they could even have a little teddy with a cybernetic arm if they wanted to keep the soppy factor.

“Um, excuse me, can I help you?” The shy brunette who worked on the counter clearly didn’t value her life enough if she was speaking to a masked man with a gun who’d been staring at red balloons for an hour, or half an hour. Maybe fifteen minutes.

Wade slammed a fist on the counter. She jumped. “You can’t help me now…” he looked at her nametag, “…Cheryl. But maybe you can save people from suffering like me in the future!” He grabbed her arm. “Tell the companies they need robo-teddy cards. The massage isn’t entirely essential, but better to be safe than sorry, right?”

Cheryl nodded. Smart girl. Wade stabbed a balloon with his katana because he felt like it, then ventured out into the evening.

So he couldn’t find a card. That wasn’t that big a problem. Maybe he could make one, but then he’d need to go and buy loads of stuff and he still wouldn’t know what to write in it. ‘Nate, I like it when you do that thing with your teeth’ probably wasn’t the spirit of Valentine’s Day. Or maybe it was. Hard to tell.

‘Nate, thanks for not leaving me for dead that time.’

‘Nate, you’re hot. When you’ve finished reading this, fuck me.’

‘Nate, do you think Irene will ever consent to joining us in your bed?’

Perhaps it was just as well he couldn’t find a card if these were the only messages he could come up with. He could always try his hand at a poem….

‘There once was a mutant named Cable,
Who screws me whenever he’s able.
I’ve bought you a card,
And poetry’s hard,
So please bend me over that table.’

Hmm… it was a possibility. Nate appreciated artistic expression, after all. But the lack of reasonable cards made this pretty pointless thought anyway. He’d have to rely on the present.

What did you give the guy who could have everything but wanted nothing? Maybe a tie? Or a desk ornament where the little balls went ‘clink, clink, clink’. Or a t-shirt that said ‘I came from the future and all I got was this lousy t-shirt’. Maybe Weasel would help infect a cute teddy with the TO virus then there’d be a robo-teddy! Then he could buy another and pull off clumps of its fur and then put it in a little Deadpool suit. Then Nate could have the Deadpool teddy, while Wade…. No. This was getting strange now. He must have been infected with VO – the Valentine-Organic virus.

There was always that first plan that he’d come up with after drinking that strange green stuff that smelt like toilet cleaner. He’s pretty sure it wasn’t toilet cleaner though. Sixty percent sure.


“Aw, come on.”

“No Wade, it’s crazy!” Weasel paused for a moment. “I mean, it’s not like I’m not used to crazy coming from you, but…”

“It’s for Valentine’s Day!”

“And since when have you cared about Valentine’s Day anyway?”

“I’ve always cared. Just not often I have a Valentine. I sent Theresa a card, few years back.”

“No, you sent her a stalker-esque death threat.”

“It was in a card.”

Weasel put his face in his hands, groaning. “Wade, I’m not helping you do this.”

“Well then it’s back to infecting a teddy bear with TO.”

“That’s not possible.”

“Now Weas, you’re supposed to have an enlightened scientific mind that thinks everything’s possible.”

“You cannot infect a teddy with the Techno-Organic virus. It wouldn’t take.”

“Oh.” Even under his mask, Deadpool looked crestfallen.

Weasel sighed. “Do you have any other ideas? Sexual favours go down well… or so I’ve heard,” he added with a slightly bitter tone.

“The point of the present is to get sexual favours. Nate’s very busy. Only by impressing him with my mad Valentine’s skillz will I get anywhere.”

“Mad Valentine skills?”

“Skillz. With a ‘z’.”

“Wade, have you been watching ‘Pimp My Ride’ again?”

“That’s not important now! I know what to give Nate. It’s symbolic, it’s free…”

“It’s painful…”

“Barely. Come on, I’ll start it but you’ll have to finish it.”

Weasel sighed. “You know, I had plans for this evening.”

“World of Warcraft is not plans.”

“But my Guild…”

“NOT PLANS! Now let’s get moving.”


Wade hesitated. “Weasel, I swear that if you try to stop me…”

“No, I just want to put some plastic mats down so we don’t mess up the floor.”

“Okay, you old woman, sheesh.”

Weasel fetched some work mats and lay them on the floor. Wade sat down on one. “Okay Weasel, let’s get romantic!”

“…. Never say that again.”


Nathan Summers aka Cable aka New Messiah aka Pain in the Ass, was currently reviewing international Economy at his desk via the Infonet and some rather obsolete written records. The inclusion of the latter was really just to make Irene feel like she had some use. The poor woman had spent a couple of hours labouring over figures that Nate could find in two seconds on the Infonet.

This was actually quite boring. A distraction would be welcome, especially in the form of a morally dubious, sexually charged, killing machine. It was half-past three and Nate still hadn’t given Wade his Valentine’s Day gift. It didn’t really matter if Wade even remembered Valentine’s Day. But the Merc with a Mouth had been strangely absent. Hopefully he wasn’t doing anything too illegal. It caused rifts in their… relationship? Was that the word for what they had?

The door burst open, slamming against the wall. Quite an accomplishment from a sliding door. Wade sauntered in, putting a jar on the table and sitting on the other side of the desk, putting his feet up. Nate examined the jar.

“Wade, is there a heart in that jar?”

“Yep,” Wade said, beaming at him beneath the mask. At Nate’s incredulous expression though, the smile wilted. “It is Valentine’s Day right? ‘Cos if it isn’t then all the shops were lying to me. Part of some conspiracy to make me look like an idiot, I’ll bet.” He pulled a gun out of nowhere. “Excuse me, I have some balloons to burst.”

Nate quickly grabbed his wrist. “It is Valentine’s Day and it’s nice that you remembered, nicer that you got me something, but…”

“You don’t like it?” Now there were puppy-dog eyes beneath the blank eye-slits, Nate knew.

“It’s not that, just…. Wade, whose heart is this?”




Nate picked up the jar, speechless for once. Wade had given him his heart. Of course he’d regenerated another one, but…

“Weasel had some Black Box files and he figured a way to keep it from going all gross and stuff. It’s symbolic, I guess.”

“I got it.” He honestly couldn’t put words to how this made him feel. Wade had given him his heart in the simplest, most literal way. “Wade this is…”

“Dumb, right?” Deadpool sighed. “Sorry. I’m not very good at Valentine’s Day.”

“I love it.”

“You do?”

“Yes. It’s slightly morbid, but wonderful all the same. They say the best Valentine’s present is something from the heart,” Nate said with a smile.

“Well the Techno-Organic virus doesn’t take to teddies, apparently.”

Nate paused. “I don’t know what to say to that.” He put the jar down gently and stood up, moving round the desk and crossing the room to a cupboard, which he opened. He took out a vanilla envelope, which he threw at Wade. Wade caught the spinning projectile and ripped it open.

“Wow. I didn’t know you could draw, Nate.”

“I dabble occasionally.”

“Yeah,” Wade chuckled sarcastically, “and sometimes I cause people mild discomfort.”

On the front of the paper that had been folded to make a card was an impressive piece of art. It was Deadpool, full uniform, lounging on a sofa balancing a sword on his hand, pointy end down.

“I sketched it when you were watching that Bea Arthur marathon. Detailed it recently, when I wasn’t sure what to get you.” Nate watched Wade trace the image with his finger a little while longer before saying, “you know, most of the time cards have a message on the inside as well.”

Wade snapped back to reality and opened the card. Nate’s neat letters constructed a short paragraph.

As a child I overcame the Techno-Organic Virus. As I grew up, I was the turning point in a pointless war. I’ve defeated Apocalypse, been reunited with my parents, unified the world and I rule a Paradise. I know you’ll never believe it, but I have to try to tell you – You’re still the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I think you always will be.
Love forever (even if we end up on opposite sides of a pointless war),

The message managed the impossible, it rendered Deadpool speechless.

Nate tried to fill the language void. “I know it’s a bit much. I know it’s more than we’ve ever managed to vocalise. But it’s how I feel. It really is. If it’s too much, I don’t mind, but…” Nate trailed off, nervous about personal matters despite his complete confidence in universal concerns.

Wade nodded, then shook his head as he tried to gather his thoughts. “This is really how you feel?”

Nate nodded.

“About me?”

Nate nodded again.

“You need serious help. Seriously. I’m not…. Even knowing me drags you down. I’m a bad influence. You’re the Second Coming, I’m a murderer.”

Nate quickly crossed the room to where Wade sat and kissed him hard. When he pulled away they were both panting. Their eyes locked. “Wade, you know I’m not what everyone says I am. You’re one of the few who really knows me. You know I’m just a murderer with fresh paint and high aspirations. Don’t talk yourself down. I know you’re flattered, I can tell.” Nate stood up straight again. “Oh, I got you something else.”

“Aw, I only got you a present. You got me a card too. Always have to go one step further, don’t ya Nate?”

“That’s me,” Cable said with a smile as he brought a present from the cupboard using his telekinesis. It landed gently on the table beside Wade’s heart in a jar. “I think you’ll like it.”

Wade ripped open the minimalist black paper and it was a long black case. “Wow, a box! I can keep all kinds of stuff in it.”

“Inside the box,” Nate said, smiling.

Wade opened the lid, revealing a sword. It was slightly similar to his own, except the hilt was red and black in colour, and… “It has my name on it!”

Engraved on the blade was ‘Deadpool’. Nate put a hand on Wade’s shoulder. “It’s pretty much unbreakable, like your other one, so don’t ask me how I managed to get your name on it, because…” he was cut off as Wade’s lips caught his in a passionate kiss. Frenzied, in fact.

Wade jumped from the chair and pushed Nate to the floor, landing on top of him. “I love things with my name on!” More frantic kissing and groping.

When they pulled apart for breath, Nate chuckled. “So maybe next Valentine’s Day I should get your name tattooed on my person?” Wade actually growled before sucking and nipping at Nate’s neck, then running his tongue down the rippled cyber-organics. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Nate muttered before pulling Wade’s top over his head. “Stop moving so I can get your pants off.”

“Stop moving so I can get your pants off,” mimicked Wade. Then he moved down Cable’s body, stopping when his head was level with Nate’s crotch. He ripped the button off the jeans with his teeth, then drew the zipper down the same way. Nate groaned at the erotic scene. Then he reached down and yanked Wade’s mask off.


“Just in case you were going to blow me. You tend to forget and you don’t actually have a hole for your mouth in that thing.”

“Yeah, I need to do something about that,” Wade said before taking Nate’s erection into his mouth and humming the theme tune from the A-Team. As usual, Nate was too turned on to laugh. It was an ambivalence he was used to, sleeping with Deadpool.

Wade pulled back briefly. “Don’t come, okay? I want to ride you ‘til I scream.” Then he went back to sucking and humming, this time ‘Zip-a-dee-doo-dah’. Nate wanted to ignore Wade’s words and just come in his mouth, especially with the mental picture he’d been provided with, but he also wanted to bury his hardness into his… Valentine. So reluctantly, he put a hand on Wade’s head and pushed at him lightly. Wade looked up and pulled back. “Really? Already? I’m good.”

“Yes, you’re a good boy.”

“Thanks daddy.”

Nate shuddered. “Don’t ever say that while we’re making love. It disturbs me.”

Wade smiled. “Aw, you’re so sensitive.” He yanked off his pants after some pulling and kicking and frowning at the obstructive boots that refused to budge. Their cocks were rubbing against each other happily before Wade’s eyes lit up with a sudden realisation. “Protection?”

Nate pulled him closer. “Don’t bother.”

Wade shoved him away and started to fish around in his discarded red and black pants. “Agree not to say that and I’ll stop calling you daddy. Seriously Nate, you don’t know where I’ve been. Hell, I don’t know where I’ve been.” After some more rummaging, Wade triumphantly produced a condom, which he put on Nate teasingly slowly. Cable groaned, desperate to relieve his arousal. Wade tutted. “Honestly Nate, isn’t patience supposed to be a virtue of yours?”

Nate grabbed Wade’s shoulders and tugged him down for another deep and desperate kiss. Then he gripped Wade’s chin and looked him in the eye. “Wade, I want to make love to you. Right now.”

It worked every time. Wade quickly sank down onto Nate’s cock, both men groaning and gasping at the tightness and the fullness, respectively. No lube was needed as Wade could take any pain, didn’t even notice this pain, in fact. “Nate, you feel so good… Never had anyone this good that I can remember… uhhh… yeah, right there…”

Nate just tuned it out like he usually did and let Wade do all the work while he ran his hands over his lover’s fascinating skin. He could caress him all day, if he didn’t have a million other things to do. “I love you so much,” he whispered without even thinking about it.

Wade stopped talking, though he kept moving on Nate’s erection. Both men were getting close to coming now, drops of sweat trickling haphazardly down the rough blistered skin of Wade’s chest. Nate traced them with a cyber-organic finger, the coldness of it making Wade gasp and move quicker. In a touching mood, Cable took hold of Wade’s hard erection and started to stroke slowly. Wade moaned loudly, but wasn’t screaming yet. Hmm. Making sure he was positioned right (and trying to make sure he didn’t come before he’d managed this), Nate thrust up to meet Wade’s downward push, pushing hard against the prostate. Wade screamed out Nate’s name as he came over him, and Nate let himself go, reaching orgasm buried deep in Wade’s body.

Wade moved back, then flopped down bodily onto Nate, earning an ‘oof’ noise. Nate gently traced a pattern on his back with his human arm. “That was nice.”

“Mmm. Tired.”

“Not surprised, you did all the work.”


“Any other weaponry I could buy you that would get you to jump my bones?”


“Well, I don’t know if I can approve of that on an ethical level…”


Nate glanced down at the interruption. Wade’s head was resting on his chest, eyes shut. “Yeah?”


“Oh. Okay. Sorry.”

“S’okay. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Nate leant down and pressed a kiss to Wade’s scarred head. “My Valentine.” His gaze drifted to the jar on his desk, where it remained until his eyes slipped closed.

I haven't read it through after finishing it either, so there might be typos. Let me know if there are and I'll edit.

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[User Picture]From: kirke_novak
2007-02-10 06:21 pm (UTC)
I don't know what to say!
I don't know what to say!

We finally got teh!pr0n! *cries the tears of joy*

There is no such thing as 'too sappy' for Wade and Nate. Cable is a sap and Deadpool is crazy, so it fits.

Best Valentine present EVER!! The fic was brilliant! Yeah, I know I'm rambling sorry.
I need to re-read it a few more times now.
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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-02-10 06:24 pm (UTC)

Thank you v.much, pleased to induce hysteria
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From: solar_cat
2007-02-10 06:23 pm (UTC)
This was very yummy and had me in stitches at the same time. Spot on!

“I love things with my name on!”
Oh, Wade... <3

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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-02-10 06:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
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[User Picture]From: incorporeal_x
2007-02-10 07:39 pm (UTC)
“No, you sent her a stalker-esque death threat.”

“It was in a card.”

I have no idea why that made me laugh so hard. So did skillz.
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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-02-10 07:43 pm (UTC)
Thanks, pleased to please.
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[User Picture]From: zara_the_pirate
2007-02-11 03:29 am (UTC)
Here I am trying to get *something* to help the srt plot bunnies along and lo and behold! You have written lovely smut and how I imagined Wade, as an aggressive bottom. Thank you!
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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-02-11 04:53 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm big on bottom!Deadpool, but there's no way he'd just lie back and take it. Thanks for the review!
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[User Picture]From: lunaticvee27
2007-02-11 05:15 am (UTC)
This fic is filled with winningness. So much winningness is it filled with.

You've made my day! Hooray! Wade's dialogue was spot on! Hell, so were Nate and Weasel. I laughed entirely too hard at the exchange between Wade and Weasel. Also, for some reason, "flamethrower." had me giggling like an idiot.

I could continue to gush forever, really.

Though the thought of no lube, even with Wade's impressive pain-handling healing factor skillz, made me eep. o.o Quickly forgotten thanks to the very very hot sex scene, though. Yay!

Smut has arrived! Please write more!
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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-02-11 04:55 pm (UTC)
Well, I figured that Wade can have a sword rammed through his chest and not even wince, so lube would probably be a time-consuming luxury. I really enjoyed writing the stuff between Wade and Weasel, so I'm glad it sounded good.
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[User Picture]From: janegray
2007-02-11 04:04 pm (UTC)
This is amazing. It's funny, hot, and both Wade and Nate are IC. And the "poem" was made of win. Thank you so much for writing this story :D
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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-02-11 04:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks for reading and reviewing it! :)
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From: ex_flamegli
2007-02-12 04:20 am (UTC)
Awesome fic.
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[User Picture]From: ms_nerd
2007-02-12 05:48 am (UTC)
YAY!! This was all kinds of awesome - of COURSE he'd give him his OWN heart - hahahaha! Dead ON with the dialogue and guhfuckinghotsex. w00t!!!

ps, it's a "manilla" envelope not "vanilla" but that's the only one teenytinylittlething because this is all kinds of perfect.
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From: hyperactivator
2007-02-13 04:58 am (UTC)
That poem the entire fic in fact made my night.
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[User Picture]From: jissa
2007-02-13 05:13 am (UTC)

This is made of win! I have been looking for so hard for Cable/Deadpool fic, and you just made my day! (Seriously, I was forced to make a post about it, but still none was forthcoming. It was tragic, really.)

Best Valentines Day present ever!

“Well the Techno-Organic virus doesn’t take to teddies, apparently.”

Nate paused. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

That was just brilliant! So very perfect! I laughed so hard my housemates asked what was wrong!

Thanks so much for this!
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[User Picture]From: toastninja
2007-02-27 05:38 am (UTC)
Oh goodness. I love your characterization of Wade and Nate and even poor Weasel! I bet disemboweling your sort of best-buddy gives you really weird dreams. But I guess Weasel's used to it by now knowing Deadpool this long...

Everything you write in this community makes me want to explode with fanarts of your fics. You keep putting ideas into my already twisted head that make me want to do really odd things. Seriously.

If you buy 3 or more cans of WD-40, you get a shiny Cable teddy free!!*
*Over not valid anywhere outside my imagination
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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-02-27 02:36 pm (UTC)

You rock so hard
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[User Picture]From: iatethebunny
2007-03-16 10:50 am (UTC)

That was like funny an sweet an hot all mix up in nice Cable/Deadpool mix. Can I rec this?
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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-03-19 11:34 am (UTC)
Sure, you can rec it. I'm flattered!
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[User Picture]From: caiusmajor
2007-05-28 10:16 pm (UTC)
The concept of porn with these two is, of course, horrifying on a visual level, and it *is* a little much with the fluff--but oh my GOD this is well done. I like Wade's thoughts on Valentine presents especially--and giving his HEART was perfect. It was very much in the spirit of the series!
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[User Picture]From: strokeof_genie
2007-08-07 06:59 pm (UTC)
I'm late, I'm so very late, but I just had to say: this is the best thing I've ever read, outside of Deadpool's massage fantasies. ♥
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[User Picture]From: sarkywoman
2007-08-07 09:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Better late than never :)
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[User Picture]From: skadi98
2007-08-16 11:59 pm (UTC)
That's glorius fic *_*
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